Our fearsome transformation into a dystopian Blade Runner-style world has begun, with the advent of Hello Barbie, a near-sentient half-doll half-computer with the ability to process human speech, hold a conversation and perhaps one day enslave all mankind. And she’s also a big Taylor Swift fan.
That’s right, the newest incarnation of the toy industry’s most insidious thermoplastic role model is sporting Artificial Intelligence up the wazoo, complete with a microphone and WiFi connectivity to aid her in convincing small children that she’s the hotter, smarter, more successful BFF who shouldn’t technically be wreaking havoc on their self esteem IRL for at least another decade or so.
Barbie 2.0 is basically Siri with boobs. And potentially questionable music taste.
As The New York Times reports, in a creepily-titled article dubbed “Barbie Wants To Get To Know Your Child”, Hello Barbie will be capable of asking your kids what kind of music they like, and will be ready to fire back with nearly 200 possible opinions.
For instance, a reply of “Taylor Swift” would prompt the platinum cyborg to respond: “She is one of my super favourites right now!”
But Barb ain’t so hot on My Bloody Valentine.
“They are so Emo,” the arrogant plastic snob would reply.
No word on what her response would be should you inform her that, according to definitive Emo authority Is This Band Emo?, My Bloody Valentine aren’t even.
The new Hello Barbie doll is also capable of answering questions as simple as “What’s Your Full Name?” (“Barbara Millicent Roberts”) to as existentially complex as “Do you believe in God?” (“I think a person’s beliefs are very personal to them”).
At the time of writing, she has not yet become self aware. Then again, only time will tell.
Hello Barbie is due to hit shelves this November, naturally, just in time for Christmas.
Now let’s brace for the apocalypse FORGET OUR TROUBLES WITH A BIG BOWL OF STRAWBERRY ICECREAM.
Watch: Aqua – Barbie Girl
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